


Improbability Kissing

by Gildedmuse



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: 100 PCT Fluff Achieved, Brain The Size Of A Planet & They Expect Me To Believe This, Coincidentally The Precise Probability Of Ford Kissing Arthur, Confusing But Sweet, Confusion, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Improbability Drive, M/M, One Shot, So Just Arthur, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Has This To Say About Unbeta'd Fic...., There's A .143 PCT Probability Of Arriving At The Location, confused arthur, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gildedmuse/pseuds/Gildedmuse
Summary: Kissing Ford is far beyond improbable, closer to to impossible. So what in the name of England is going on here?





	Improbability Kissing

**Author's Note:**

> No, this isn't a new fic (more like from 2005). I just realized I had a bunch of Hitchhiker's Guide fics that I haven't posted anywhere but a defunct community. So to keep everything organized, now I am posting them here. However, for the sake of some people's sanity, I did go back and correct some more obvious mistakes.

**Improbability Kissing**

 

“Engaging Improbability drive,” Trillian warned, buckling herself in. Not that buckling oneself in place made travel by improbability drive any easier. Being strapped to a seat made very little difference when one was a fish.

“Again?” Arthur asked, taking a seat next to Ford. He pulled his dress robe tighter around his body which was almost – but not entirely – more useless than Trillian’s attempt at safety. Arthur had been having a bad few days. First, he found out that his friend does not have a single relative resembling an ape in his ancient ancestry, but was in fact a alien orienting from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse who had gotten trapped on Earth while doing research for an electronic book about hitchhiking across the galaxy. As if this news weren’t enough to deal with without the help of a few strong drinks, his planet was promptly blown apart and he was thrown onto a space ship run by some extremely bad poets only to be quickly thrown back off said space ship where he was rescued by a girl he’d thoroughly blown it with at a fancy dress party and a guy that had claimed to be (and turn out, was in fact) an alien. Then he was told there would be no tea.

The fact that every now and then someone on the ship got the idea to do something highly improbable – most of which resulted in Arthur turning varies shades of green – did not help.

Ford didn’t look at all concerned that the chances of him being turned into a something that didn’t even begin to resemble the ape decent Arthur had thought him to be were about to go improbable high. In fact he was smiling. It was the type of smile that managed to show all his teeth at once, and made weaker, more fragile life forms cover their necks, especially when the smile was aimed directly at them.

Arthur lifted his robe a little higher over his neck.

“Ford?” Arthur asked, curious as to why Ford was looking at him like he was a small animal caught in a very big, very deadly trap and Ford was about to skin and boil him just for the pleasure of it. Or he tried to ask, at least. What came out was actually “F-ah!” As the ships computer cheerfully announced that they were now entering improbability drive, and wasn’t that just wonderful!

As much as Arthur absolutely hated his body being ripped apart atom-by-atom and being resembled by the improbable chance that it would be resembled as it had been before, he was getting strangely use to whole thing. The fact that the chair upon which he was sitting had now become what appeared to be very purple man dressed up in a giant squirrel costume only elicited a small, choked scream from him instead of the rather girly yelp the first three times something of similar type had happened.

And the fact that Ford had leaned over, grabbed him by the dressing gown and nearly hauled Arthur into his lap before kissing him hard on the was…

Hold on.

“Ford?” Arthur asked, blinking a few times to try and catch up with his surroundings. He was now seated well on his side of the squirrel/couch with Ford still smiling that predatory grin of his from what was HIS side of the squirrel/couch.

“Hey guys! We’re back to 35 normality!” Eddie announced as the cheese on the walls started to melt off and vanish into the floor.

“Yes Arthur?” Ford managed to say this without dropping that smile which should have, by all means, been impossible. Arthur ran a hand across his jugular, just to make sure it was still there.

“Err…. Nothing.” Did people kiss people in improbability drive? No, Arthur decided. He was probably just hallucinating. Of course, what was the probability of him hallucinating at the exact moment they went into improbability mode. Maybe this entire thing was just a hallucination and he was honestly back at home, passed out in bed while bulldozers were not circling his house in order to make way for a bypass. He would have quite preferred that to the present alternatives.

While Arthur was thinking this, most of his other sense dulled down a bit, which was a perfectly normal thing for earthlings to do. After all, being one of the least developed species in the galaxy (proved by the fact that they still thought the digital watch was a rather neat idea) thinking could not always be pulled off while doing other things such as playing football or watching the alien next to you to make sure he wasn’t planning something. Even if they did manage to keep their attention in two places, it was really mostly left to hit or miss.

Needless to say, Arthur was quite taken back when he realized Ford’s tongue was pressing against his lips. In a slight panic, Arthur closed his eyes, trying to find all those thoughts that had scattered the second another one of his sense woke up.

“Hey guys, 50 Normality and counting up fast!” Eddie chirped as a bunch of color changing toe socks that had been previously doing the can-can poofed back out of existence. Or, to be more exact, poofed out of existences on the bridge of the Heart of Gold only to appear ten year earlier in the middle of the great Lord Snarklicult’s wedding ceremony, thus getting the bride executed for the crime of high treason, but that’s another story.

  
Arthur opened his eyes. Ford was still on his side of the couch. He was still smiling in a way that makes most of the galaxy’s known life forms fear for their immediate safety. Arthur was, as far as he could tell, still on his side of the couch. He was not smiling. A very odd looking pair of pants went flying between them.

“You kissed me!” Arthur accused, trying to ignore the pants.

Ford’s smile dropped at the corners. “Excuse me?”

“You… You KISSED me,” Arthur repeated, this time trying it with added emphasizes. This did absolutely nothing.

“Did I?” Ford asked, not nearly as upset as Arthur was about the whole ordeal. He looked rather nonplussed, in fact, even when the pair of ladies underwear and the pants began to do something rather obscene right beside his ear.

“That’s 70 Normality for those of you keeping track!” Eddie reported, and the pair of trouser and his date dropped out of the air and out of sight.

“Yes!” Arthur could feel the back of his neck and ears turning red. It’s not that he wasn’t use to people denying that they’d kissed him. Back on Earth a girl he worked with, Sharon, had been quite good at that even with pictures from their various dates over a year, but he felt rather sure that Ford had just done it not once, but twice in a row and would feel much better about the whole thing if Ford would just admit it happened. Not that Arthur had the slightest idea why Ford would kiss him or indeed why he wanted Ford to admit that he’d kissed him, but his head was still spinning from the improbability of the entire thing and wasn’t quite prepared to think those sort of things over just yet.

“You did it twice,” Arthur pointed out. “Just now.”

Ford’s managed another smile. “I don’t think I did,” He said, sounding so sure of himself that Arthur had to double check himself.

“But…” He stumbled, trying to remember the kisses. At least, he was fairly certain that there had been kissing. Had he kissed Ford? No, no that was nonsense. He was far too nervous to be kissing someone, especially if that someone were from outer space. He found it hard enough kissing the nice girls that he meant on Earth. No, Ford had kissed him, even if he wasn’t going to admit it. “But you did. Really.”

“I think,” Ford said, cocking his head to the side so that the smile became less of a predatory look and more of an annoyingly mocking grin. “I would have remembered kissing you.”

In the minute it took Arthur to remember how to speak, Eddie announced they had reached nearly ninety percents Normality and there was absolutely nothing to worry about, not even the anger Mongolian horde that has laid siege to the ship‘s kitchen. “But…” Arthur objected, though he wasn’t entirely sure what to. Whatever it was he was doing a miserable job going about it. “But…”

“Let’s see.” And for a third time (maybe) Ford was kissing Arthur. The ginger haired man had his fingers curled into Arthur’s shirt as he dragged himself nearly onto Arthur’s lap, their lips pressed together in a way that was too soft to be called despite but to hard for even a very confused, misplaced earthling to mistake it as anything but a kiss. Arthur wasn’t entirely sure what he was meant to be doing, but after a second decided that whatever it was, it wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable as simply letting Ford kiss him.

Ford took Arthur’s lower lip between his teeth, needing the skin in a way to get something between a moan and a gasp to part with Arthur‘s throat. Somehow, even Arthur’s arms seem to get in the swing of things, wrapping themselves around Ford. Which is good, since he needed a way to keep himself up when Ford’s tongue started to do something that simple was entirely impossible inside Arthur‘s mouth.

Then Arthur opened his eyes, surprised to find that despite the fact that only seconds ago the two men had been attempting to occupy the same place in space Ford was now on his side of the couch.

“No,” Ford said in a manner not at all revealing of the activity he has just second ago been engaged in and quite the opposite of Arthur who was breathing somewhat heavily as his mind tried to catch up to the rest of the Universe. “I think I definitely would have remembered kissing you.” He smiled again, getting up from the couch just as the last of the Vogon Teddy Bears disappeared off the floor.

“We now have 100 Normality!” Eddie reported cheerfully.

Arthur pulled his robe closer to his body. This normality business was going to take some getting use to.


End file.
